i can't believe i had my finger in that
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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