Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Too much gin, very little bucket
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize