my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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