3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I can't turn off my feet"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
