I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
