Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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