if i died would you start the facebook group?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
