I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
