The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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