put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
