Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
