Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
