Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
