it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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