afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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