wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
