I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
