Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
