i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
