The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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