and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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