The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
