I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
