At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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