I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
