Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
