I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
