Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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