so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
