from now on my penis is your penis
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
