I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
