Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
