I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize