can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Randomize
