apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
