I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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