I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
