I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
