My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
