Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
