my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
