The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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