ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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