I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
