So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
