I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
