I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
