OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
