I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just pee around me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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