The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
