I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
