i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
