stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
