My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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