my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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