she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
