I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
