I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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