Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
