when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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