i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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