every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
this is an emotional support booty call
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
