you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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