end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
