Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
